coincidental meeting?

so today i initiated two small conversations with two people in class. it seems stupid--i know but it's a huge step for me. the small crack on my shell is slowly growing. but you never know, i might have other armor underneath. bleh.

*on another note--the anniversary of the day i was born is tomorrow, it would be pretty gravy if i could just skip it & float around where time hangs out waiting then come back on friday. i'm paranoid that no one will show to my little my birthday picnic soiree on saturday.
english class was depressing tonight; one word--Hemingway.

wow, this sounds like nothing interesting ever happens to me (which is more than likely true) but this guy, which our meeting may have been coincidental. but i tried selling him a book online & then i realized i have for class & he sits right smack in front of me. so on monday he waited after class for me, aww. then today he flaunted the book i need in front of my face. ha ha, good times. anyhow, i waited for him to get outta class after i got outta math & then i got caught up with an old friend. then people decided to flood the hall and cover every crevice. but ima trooper & made my way to him; it was an obstacle to get to him. then i hesitated, rethinking of what i should do. i had no idea why i waited for him?? then i just touched him on the shoulder & we just chatted a bit & now we're sharing books. =)

another thing i noticed about mr. Neal is that he has the most gorgeous eyes i have ever seen. they have a simple shape to it, they're not too big, but the color is fantastic. they're like a shade of purple-grey, i couldn't stop gazing into his eyes.

blehhh, the beginnings of a small crush?? ha

convulsions on the dance floor

seeing as no one reads my blog, it's nice being able to throw out what i think with out a response, but actually i need feedback but blehh.

this past friday, i went to ledisko here & wanted to cut loose & have fun. but at first it was horrible cause everyone i was with was bummed so it kinda got to me but it wasn't my fault; i wanted everyone to dance & have a good time. but of course as celluloid goes--we ended up having a great time. we were dancing or at least what could pass for mild convulsions on the dance floor made for pretty interesting entertainment.

a friend & i saw this guy who looked lonely & wanted to dance. so i asked if he'd like to dance with us. ha, he turned us down but it didn't matter. it felt good to actually be able to go up to someone random and ask them something or just talk. i wish i could be just a tad bit more outgoing like i used to be.

but that night, my inhibitions were on vacation and i suspect when they come back, there'll be a lot more indifferent to my spontaneous side. now i think i'm able to actually be a bit more social & not so paranoid of the human creature. i feel a slight difference but that could just be the crack. =)

coincidences

today in class a random thought just popped in my head, as usual, but this one was slightly different. hope's brother popped in my mind; out of nowhere. then i went back to trying to solve my math problems. eh. so, then i was on my merry way to Mellinger's class! yay! he's SO cool!=) and then boom! i see him walk by. there he was, hope's bro, with fast strides, a look of frustration and concentration on his face.

"man, he got really hot. hotter than ever!" according to cookie. if you're planning to debate it--you'll lose. i just can't believe i saw him, i thought he wasn't living here & i see him in my college? pretty lame but i think it's pretty wild.

on a different note-- agh!!!! Coachella's set list is fan-Freaking-tastic! INTERPOL is playing! man, i hope i really get to see them.

anyways. i feel like i'm chasing ghosts again.
i feel closer to my buddy in NY =D [daydreaming]

the invention

so, as always ima sad little puppy. eh, it happens; has to. so a few days ago things have been hitting me harder than usual. why is it that when something bad happens more little inconvenient things follow and start picking at you? it's like putting salt in your wounds.

this past Saturday i was going through this whole sad taking over my body again. i have so many things running around in my brain that i can't control what thought is linked to what and even worse i don't know what i'm doing half the time. i'm too busy living an incoherent life to actually see the big picture in all it's minuscule parts. ergh! i can't even string one sober thought correctly. =\

of course as always i started connecting things and the consequences that erected from those choices. i'm such a screw-up!!! i can't believe i keep messing up. ehh. i really do feel bad about what happened between alexi and me. i just witnessed, possibly, the only person who would ever love me entirely for me walk away. i just let it happen. he swears it was his fault. but we apologize & apologize and feel sorry for ourselves but nothing will change. we can't regain that type of affection ever again. i'm glad i met him tho; again salting my wounds...

now, i think i have feelings for this boy, which materialized out of nowhere sometime last year in November, going to the hookah bar, i'd feel funny & lightheaded just thinking of him. he's a really great guy, i think i might have dreamed him before ever laying eyes on him. maybe one day we'll be able to catch clouds in a jar & then set them free.

with the love thing always hanging over my head. Nora told me the most fascinating thing--

"Love is an Invention"

....somewhat comforting but hopelessness is inevitable

relation

so my week has still been pretty usual in an unusual way. or vice-versa.

early on in the morning, i was having dreams inside of dreams again. i didn't know if i was awake or still in a slumber. either way it wasn't rest, but i was refreshed when i actually woke up. around 9 am, my brother was cursing; his ankle was sprained. i took him to a doctor.

he & his girlfriend were conversing. i was lost in one of my malformed moods again and in between worlds. i decided to listen to some Portugal. the Man!! to get pumped up for next week. as i turned it on; a song just ended and then BLAM! the Album Leaf's "over the pond" came out next. everything just seemed to connect . like i couldn't be seen by anyone. i looked over at this lady with her little boy, he was very cute, i realized that he's happy right now, he doesn't have any worries or problems. then my thoughts turned to him in the future. he's not going to ever be that way again. innocent, happy or unknowing of what lies ahead. he's going to have to see how cruel the world really is. my eyes shifted to this older lady in the waiting room. she was lost in a thought. she's had a long life and as it nears it seems horrible but welcoming at the same time. other people in other areas in different rooms showed the spectra of emotions clinging to their faces. there were lonely people, frustrated people, interested, worried, happy etc people.

as this was going on, the songs volume kept rising. then i could see things unfolding; a small glimpse of the future. but instead they are the things that will never occur. it was saddening. past memories were excavated by present-day ones. everything bad & happy that happened. then i focused on a few choice thoughts.

it felt like the sound of my breath was the only thing that kept my feet planted on the ground. everything there...fit. it all was related to one another. as if perfection was reached but still intangible. there was this connection--unexplainable.

my eyes were tearing up. everything was beautifully sad.....

eh, i wish i could explain better. sorry

and the list goes on

So, i must be the lamest person in the world. last night a couple of my friends & i made some mixed drinks and danced in my room in wacky outfits. i had fun but i seriously need to get a life. i don't know what it is, but put on the rapture & i'll start grooving! ha

another reason to add to the "corina is effing lame!" list is that i keep trying to fix this blog and make it look decent and presentable but something is wrong with the code i put in. either that or i can't do anything right. bleh!! it gets to me, i shouldn't have erased the first. =( as always i need technical help this time for this.

i saw Pan's Labyrinth; super crazy movie. the contrast between how cruel the world is and fantasy is a stones throw away...

well, i know none of that up there didn't make any sense but there are a few new things to get jolly with. i have this new blog, i deleted practically any other account i have, i'm going to try to be more social and well the list goes on.

tbc

repetitive notions

so...i think i am severely stupid! i can't stop thinking about this boy!! ergh, i know, this usually happens to me especially in these cases.


well, as you know i have a tendency to be attracted to people i can't have or that won't like me. i don't want to be bound to repeat or stay stuck in a perpetual rut of love(usually infatuation)---->heartbreak----->hurt----->repeat

but this is different, or at least i don't know if it is.
there's this boy that i've built up this strong passion for. i can't shake it nor do i want it to escape. i don't know how he feels towards this; at first it seemed like he felt the same way but now i don't know. actually i doubt he feels anything towards me. i really wish that something magical could happen between us but inivetibally reality catches up and it hits hard.

Agh!!i need some help!!! =( advice?

i know i could really like this boy a whole lot!!!! but being in this situation again, i know how the script goes and how this will end. i don't want it to!!

i hope this is different. this ends happy???? and now i don't know how i feel...

...

so i don't really know what to say. i think i'm going to slump into another depression again. i hate it but it's inevitable. i have all these thoughts roaming around in my head trying each to murder each other over who will make me go crazy. eh, i can't explain myself.