the invention

so, as always ima sad little puppy. eh, it happens; has to. so a few days ago things have been hitting me harder than usual. why is it that when something bad happens more little inconvenient things follow and start picking at you? it's like putting salt in your wounds.

this past Saturday i was going through this whole sad taking over my body again. i have so many things running around in my brain that i can't control what thought is linked to what and even worse i don't know what i'm doing half the time. i'm too busy living an incoherent life to actually see the big picture in all it's minuscule parts. ergh! i can't even string one sober thought correctly. =\

of course as always i started connecting things and the consequences that erected from those choices. i'm such a screw-up!!! i can't believe i keep messing up. ehh. i really do feel bad about what happened between alexi and me. i just witnessed, possibly, the only person who would ever love me entirely for me walk away. i just let it happen. he swears it was his fault. but we apologize & apologize and feel sorry for ourselves but nothing will change. we can't regain that type of affection ever again. i'm glad i met him tho; again salting my wounds...

now, i think i have feelings for this boy, which materialized out of nowhere sometime last year in November, going to the hookah bar, i'd feel funny & lightheaded just thinking of him. he's a really great guy, i think i might have dreamed him before ever laying eyes on him. maybe one day we'll be able to catch clouds in a jar & then set them free.

with the love thing always hanging over my head. Nora told me the most fascinating thing--

"Love is an Invention"

....somewhat comforting but hopelessness is inevitable