one shiny toy & a quarter rapture

EEEEP! last night was so much fun!!! i can't believe it actually happened. i feel life is refreshed & i want to be apart of it again. =D

OK, so here's the low-down on what happened last night. well, i went to tutoring as soon as i got out of my last class at 2 so i can retake a test i did miserable on. Nora called me at around that time, so i slipped out of the tutoring center & called her back. she told me that her sisters boyfriend saw the rapture at guitar center where he works at. i thought that was way cool, you know? The Rapture in El paso, pretty cool; you could just bump into them somewhere. i went to retake the test & i find it the teacher hasn't put it in yet, so i was stuck in tutoring soaking up information i have already forgotten about. and to think i could've been bumping into the Rapture. =\

so i went along my day getting ready for my 5:30 class. Nora decided to pop by the house even though she wasn't going to class. she came & convinced me to ditch class to go with her to see this guys band play. agh! my first time missing my english class =/

to make things better Cookie called & told me that the Rapture was going to be spinning at lucky devils! AGH! no way! i couldn't believe it, one of my favorite bands here in El paso & spinning at a club. of course Nora & I went nuts to the sound of the news. but she wouldn't tell me who told her; i found that weird but i had a lack of caring about it. relating back to my attachment-less things.

first we went to the east side & ate at this super delicious Chinese restaurant, that made us some orange tofu! mmm, tasty. then we headed out to the show. i was so nervous, i started shaking profusely. we weren't completely sure that it was actually gonna go down. so we went to this gas station so i could use the restroom & i asked this guy who was there if he knew if they were going to play. he told me that Jeremy from Shiny Toy Guns & The Rapture were going to be there spinning. finally the proof was there & we went back to the show.

we were scared at first cus everyone there was either gothic or punk & we stood out like a sore thumb especially me in my 80s attire. we hung out with this guy that we met at a party, Mathias & Juliet. oh man, we waited forever for them to play. there were two bands that i actually liked that played-- Rome to Paris & Armageddon dildos. Liz's friend Nick gave us free Cd's of his little electro project thing, instrumental stuff.

things fell right into place where they belonged: i see this guy from afar in a white hoodie with wavy hair. i think to myself "oh my effing hell, its a guy from the Rapture!!!" i got Juliet to talk to him first but then just threw me in. we talked to Luke for a while. he was really nice & hella tall; i look really tiny next to him. he was talking a lot to Jeremy of Shiny Toy Guns. i was oddly really attracted to Jeremy, i didn't know why, but i was too shy to talk to him. how sad =(

the really last band to play (inertia--UK) sucked ass! i hated them, they were putting me to sleep & did i mention they sucked? hardcore style man. they wanted to kill me, i swear. finally, we survived through them & Luke was setting up to DJ. it was awesome, we hit the dance floor & i didn't stop until the owner closed down the bar. he played a lot of old school stuff, really cool stuff. some 90s hip hop & rap to the Bee Gees!!! it was amazing!!!!! then it hit me why i was really attracted to Jeremy-- he reminded me of Carlos D.

we took pics of him spinning & a pic with him of course & i got to take a pic with Jeremy at the end when i finally got the courage!!!! =) he held me really nice. like lovers in love would. i thought, it must be nice for someone way bigger than you to just hold you like that (granted the guy holding me is someone like him) it felt really nice....[daydreaming]

....

Love would feel like this....

one thing that Luke told us that really stood out was that we should never be sorry for going up & talking to someone. that night was incredible, i can't explain what epiphanies were going through me & how amazing i felt. i really have a new outlook on life with clearer eyes. i really do. i feel like i can do anything & with empowering words coming from him i think i will.

Jacks bones

man this weekend passed by fast, it seems like it didn't even happen & we skipped a weekend. hmm?? i've been feeling bored lately, i don't usually get bored but i have lacked constructive activities.

holy effing moly! i finished reading Palahniuk's 'Haunted' about two weeks ago. man oh man is that book insane. i loved it. humans are scary. what is "humanity"?

our world of only humans, a world without humanity

so, yesterday was Liz's (Nora's friend) horse warming party. i don't think it was the official one. since it was more of a kickback. it was really weird at first, since their two other co-workers were there. once again without fail Cookie & i alienated ourselves from the group. i hate always doing that. it was just really awkward. then they left & it was pretty cool. Liz & her boyfriend David have crazy tattoos-- very nice. it's a nice house for them. they must be happy.

they have this really cool skeleton, Jack. he's my hunny-boney-bunny!

oh man i'm sucha dumb-dumb!



She told me that love isn't that great.

attachmentless

school's out in about 3 weeks. i kinda don't want it to end, i don't know why but it has to happen. man, i'm getting older. it's scary! so i really want to move out soon so i can start as in state in Phoenix, if only i could move to Boston.

i think a reason into why i'm able to just get up & leave is that i don't have any strong attachments and if i did i'm sure i would do it anyway. just leaving with so many things left undone. it's possible. i'll soon forget about it and think, "that was stupid to think of." i know i'll miss my mom the most.

i've been feeling different around my friends. i feel that some friends keeps things from me, [s]he goes through the trouble of me not finding out. but by doing that it makes things worse. you know the whole trust factor is depleting. i do it too but i'm a naturally private person & i don't try to keep things from people. i saw Marilyn at Diego's party, it was kinda awkward, like an old friend from high school that you bump into and you try to talk with them & realize it's no more than the past. those feelings suck. burns a hole right through past ideas. but Marilyn is really sweet, i miss talking and hanging out with her. she's a real friend (these don't come around too often).

hopefully things will be different. i should really try.....

that overshadowing feeling again...

last night Michaela called me saying she wanted to move with me when i left & i said, "OK." she asked who else is going to move and of course i told her about my plans and my friends (Nora & Cookie)-- more than likely once we've settled in Nora needs the end of the year to finish paying off things & then she'll move. Cookie on the other hand i think might go once she's visited and sees how we're doing. i'm thinking by January of '08 we'll all be under one roof in a different city, more than likely in the Phoenix area.

other than this seemingly perfect plan, i have doubts, like anyone. i don't mind moving but i always have these overbearing feelings that have re precautions. you know how you can close your eyes and imagine your future-- very vaguely but still you can envision certain things & when you try to imagine something you want, it doesn't fit? i still very much want to move to the east coast, my dream school is there! but i know that will never happen =( for some reason i can picture myself in Boston or some other big city in the north east. Maine doesn't sound too bad either. i can see myself on some high rise apt building looking at the cold outside. [daydreaming]

bleh! anyways, El Paso isn't for me. it's not that bad but something about this feels very entrapping. i don't want to have my casket here.

my weekend in recap:
on Saturday was Diego's party. i thought it was going to be a little b-day party for him but it was a house party. crazy, his brother didn't scare me as much =) Marilyn was there! she's so hard to get a hold of. i think my alcohol tolerance has gone down. i had about five drinks & i was buzzing really nice. i made Diego a shirt with his face on it. it's a black on pink stencil on white shirt that barley fit him. he liked it a lot, i hope he really did.

on another note. my Mom's birthday was on Sunday. we saw 'Dead Silence' and ate subway at this tiny little park. it was nice. i really want to make things better for my Mama. i love her so much! she'll be the only person i will really miss. one day i want to be able to take care of her financially, so she won't have any worries in the world.

fixations

so, i'm chatting with Pops and he thinks radical ideas have been implanted in my head. well that may be true-- i'm just a severely paranoid person. he also wants to be with someone already, that was way out of left fields outer field. i'm not saying i don't wanta be with somebody, it's just that it's not as easy as everyone makes it seem. it just seems that everyone i know wants me to be with someone already. it's pretty weird. well, i don't know very many people so it's just my mind exaggerating things trying to make things seem crazy and weirder than they actually are. i don't know why my mind always tries to find flaws in things & fixates on minor details. ehh..

man, i love INTERPOL! i'm really looking forward to their new album. i wish i could see them at Coachella. =( man, i hate being poor & friendless. it really sucks. i should really try & make an effort at making friends. i don't know why it's so hard....




mmm, Blubby (Paul Banks) & Carlos D. could very well be the hottest men alive! Carlos and his bones! jeez! that man is beauty & Blubby with his words & voice! he is beauty undefined.....

procrastination

a lot has happened to me since the last time I've written here, but i won't get into that. there's this feeling that i have involving Hope's brother. it's something odd and it leaves my body shaken. i had this dream with him; we were running away from ghosts with our hands clasped tight. i know, i know-- this is just a dream. but i don't understand why i can't talk to him. i mean i used to know him, granted not very well but still there's was a certain "bond" there. (i use bond because of the lack of words to describe what it is). i used to be outgoing and happy, now i'm just paranoid and searching. i really want to talk to him again but i don't know how to go about it. he's so damned intimidating! and he's always busy. i feel the need to talk with him & i need to do it before school lets out in the beginning of next month. i doubt i'll do it, but maybe luck will be on my side and arrange a chance meeting between us.

i just go blank when i see him and my body turns limp. =\ this has never happened to me before. maybe links to the past should never be brought up. it sounds like an infatuation, but it isn't, it's something more.... like a feeling ???