the nights

i went to court on Friday & all i have to do is go to a 6 hour alcohol awareness class. i'm so glad i didn't have to pay the 200 something dollars. a week before that we got Humphrey, our new kitty, he's so adorable and can't jump very well, it's cute.

i've been having really strong feelings lately, scary ones. i don't know but i'm so afraid of dying. i feel that it's near and i don't want to die. i'm really scared. it hits harder at nights. i think i've been driving myself crazy each night, i lose control sometimes & start crying or get really angry. i can't even focus, everything is speeding then pausing all of a sudden & my mind is going 20 different places at the same time & it's scary. i don't want to end up crazy either. maybe i'm just overreacting.

friendly but lonely

i wish i had friends, real friends. it's kinda pathetic that i've been like this for years now, more than half a decade. i don't know what it is but i guess i'm just compatible with people. if only i could make friends, but i'm the last person anyone will even glance at.

i wanta leave far away and just reinvent myself, hopefully try & be happy. why does living come easier to others?

03 Days Later

i saw 28 Weeks Later finally! of course i didn't watch it Friday =( first off-- it wasn't as great as 28 Days, hell no it wasn't! but i have to admit, i went in looking forward to a letdown. i don't really fancy sequels too much especially with 28 Days (one of my favorites). The soundtrack sounded like it still had some Godspeed in it!!! yay! Danny Boyle is a way better director. I still think the movies are metaphors to life right now-- 'People killing People'

bad news

Michaela called me today, she didn't sound too good. she said she had bad news i thought that she wasn't going to be able to move to Tempe with us. i should've known by her voice that that wasn't the deal. Josh died in a car accident. they were best friends. i feel so bad; i'm still in shock. i don't want her to feel any pain or hurt but of course there's no helping that. i hope he's alright now, somewhere better, in his God's heaven.

this is the guy i saw two weeks ago after years. he went with us to Phoenix.

why is it when people die it always feels unreal??

when people die they take a piece of us with them...

a moving hair loss

i know it's just me & how i feel at certain times.

but this whole moving thing to Tempe with Michaela & Nora is a patch of hair loss away from stressing me out. it's cool moving to a new city with two friends but for some reason i wouldn't mind moving by myself.

after all, i was going to go alone. either way, I'll still be alone.

Invisible Mouse

Invisible Monsters is on my list of favorite books ever!! Mos Def! it's so twisted with a dab of delightful horribleness and has a lot of heart. i did not see the ending coming at all, very heartfelt and insane at the same time. Palahniuk doesn't cease to amaze me. i like the reassurance part of the book in the end. forgetting the past & making up the future-- ah, good 'ol make believe.

this book is chock-full of great quotes. he is so clever & a fantastic author, i love how he can string words so perfectly together. His characters are [lack of words] pretty damned wild.

Hysteria is impossible without an audience

Find what you're afraid of most and go live there

so far all of his books that i've read are on my favorites. i think back to "Haunted", man those stories in there still give me the chills & the whole book too. hmm.. humanity...

Liz told me that he has another book coming out this month; i can't wait =D

i've been feeling faint lately; i think i'm getting sick. well duh, my throat is inflamed and it hurts to swallow. that and i'm feeling weaker than usual. ima see the doc next week. we'll see how that goes.

Modest Mouse is fantastic! in march i thought "i could really get into this new album" the "dashboard" video is so cute!

sleeping dogs

i know, i know, love babble once again creeps into my blog. so here it goes, last Thursday i went to Phoenix with Michaela & Josh. on our way to pick up Josh, we were talking about Michaela's love problems then these guys from 2004 popped up Kiki, Lee & Mike.

i met Mike through Kiki at the warped tour and we decided to hang out some time since i haven't seen Kiki in a while, turned out Mike had liked me. He was so sweet & nice to me but of course being me i ruined it. =( we were drinking this one time at somebodies house & i ended up the only one drinking & got messed up & vomited at some park on the west side w/Mike taking care of me. the next day he picked me up from way on the west side to hang out w/them at music under the stars-- Liquid Cheese was playing. i didn't realize what i had in front of me & ruined it.

skip to my senior of high school, October 2005, i met Joaquin at an Appleseed Cast & Minus Story show. it was a fan-freaking-tastic show; one of the best ever. Jessica, Lizette & i sat next to him on the fireplace. i still remember what he was wearing-- a black & white striped shirt w/tight-ish black pants. i remember i wanted to see Appleseed Cast really bad & Lizette had to leave early so i started crying & Joaquin came back & stayed with me. it was nice =*) Minus Story blew me away, i effing love them! (one of my favorite bands since) we were sitting with our arms supporting our bodies on the floor. then Appleseed came on, we stood up and the music was just euphoric & it went with the night. he walked me outside since it was too late to buy merch, he kissed me & asked for my number. i was dumbfounded, i couldn't believe some guy was asking for my number. i gave it to him & he called; we started talking a lot & hanging out. he was really into socialism, politics-- well he was just a very interesting guy. he fascinated me. in retrospect: i think i got addicted to him...

jump to me ruining it with him. after the international noise show we went to, i started feeling weird. he tried asking me out & i played stupid. then i ignored his calls & i'm regretting it now. i went to where he worked and found out he doesn't work there anymore; so i doubt he lives in the same apt's. i feel so stupid! i ruined possibly my one chance at being in love with anybody. unfortunately my realization came to late.

it took 3x for me to screw things up w/people & now i learned my lesson. if ever i bump into him i know to leave sleeping dogs lie. =\

...I'm sorry