near tears

Marilyn & i got an apt in Tempe this past weekend; 2bed 1bath. i was hella nervous about it when i was signing the contract, i was almost backing out but i guess it was just the biggest thing i've ever done for myself. we move in sunday July 15. i need to start packing & getting things ready. i'm not really as nervous as i should be-- i suppose it hasn't hit me yet. i only regret not doing more things here in EP that i should have. oh well, we all regret things, i'll learn.

i was frustrated parts of the time going over there & coming back, i wasted about $200 on gas, i was just angry that i was the only one paying for gas & practically everything. i understand though. now i don't mind as much.

Humphrey got declawed & neutered last wednesday. my poor innocent kitty! =( right now he's limping, it hurts him to use one of his paws; it hurts me too. =( hopefully he'll get better soon & fast.

i saw my Dad last week as well, it was nice, i almost wanted to cry a lot of the time. at some points my eyes began tearing. =( i hate feeling sad. i saw my little sister for the first time in years, since she was a baby wrapped up tightly. it's crazy, she's tall for a 4 year old. she's going to start kinder in august, i wish her the best of luck. my little bro might get promoted to the 9th grade & he's only 12!

a name, a name, a name?

so earlier i talked with my dad, which is interesting because i hardly see him much less talk to him. i don't know why i don't feel as close to him as i should; maybe it's cus i didn't really see him much growing up or remember things w/him in involved. for that matter i don't remember much of my childhood-- hmm? i'm glad i talked to him, i love him. i also got to talk to my littler half sister, Ale. she's already 4, all i remember is a baby being held by dad's new wife.

my little half brother, Ceasarin is a really smart kid. he's only 11 and already he's getting requests for special science & math conferences. my dad said he's very intellectual and he also has an offer to go to the white house. i'm trying to egg him on on doing all this for him, he has a really good chance at getting scholarships & have a set future w/out having to worry about finances.

he got a letter to go to a conference in Massachusetts, if anything, i want him to definitely visit there! i want him to have every opportunity he can get. i wanta see him succeed in every aspect of his life. i told my dad that i'd go w/my little brother to his conferences if they can't go or any other reason. i want to help out, you know? hopefully i can.

on another note, i feel weird about what to call them, my other siblings-- half-bro & sis, Ale & Ceaserin. i feel weird calling him Ceaserin even odder saying Ceaser, i don't know why but it just sounds weird when it comes from my mouth. i want to have a closer bond with them.

if only

ok, i am going crazy again. i feel really weird; everything is just different. either that or i am. i don't know, i feel really sad, i hate being depressed & i can't stop it. i wish i wouldn't feel this way so much but i do-- years now. i always thought this would stop & i someday soon i would be happy. but that day hasn't come & i'm all alone crawling in my dry skin.

i don't have any friends, my art sucks, i've lost my sanity. i hate this--i'm so tired. i'm very tired. i want to be honestly happy, i want to make at least one real friend. i don't want to be like this forever--it's already been too long; being this lonely. i'm tired of not being able to really talk to someone, of not having someone who's even remotely like me. i just want one friend.

i wish i could leave & not remember anything. i want to be erased from every ones memory & leave small traces of me behind. if only i could start over maybe i'd be happy, i wouldn't screw up. if only i could start over but i don't know where.

if only i could start over.

cat attack re-cap

well things have changed a bit since i've been on here. first off, Marilyn & i are going to be the ones moving to Tempe at the latest, mid July. she's been working overtime & stuff so she can save up some cash to go over there with while i, have no job & am just going with what i have. how sad =(

Humphrey is still so cute!! my cat attacked me. in the morning my mom let him in my room & man was he awake & on a cat-nip high. he wouldn't let me sleep. he made a mess of things in my room, he kept bothering me, pausing dreams for him scratching my hand & biting my feet. he's so playful.

last night, i thought that music under the stars had already started. so some friends & i went to check it out & turns out it doesn't begin till June 17th. i like going, its fun, the music is nice & the food is hella delicious! i can feel the lard attach itself to my stomach just looking at it.

my craziness has subsided a bit. i haven't had any big anxiety attacks for a while now. they're one of the worst feelings.

Diego had a graduation party on Saturday & i saw this guy that i used to have a crush on in high school. it made me want to have a boyfriend.