if only

ok, i am going crazy again. i feel really weird; everything is just different. either that or i am. i don't know, i feel really sad, i hate being depressed & i can't stop it. i wish i wouldn't feel this way so much but i do-- years now. i always thought this would stop & i someday soon i would be happy. but that day hasn't come & i'm all alone crawling in my dry skin.

i don't have any friends, my art sucks, i've lost my sanity. i hate this--i'm so tired. i'm very tired. i want to be honestly happy, i want to make at least one real friend. i don't want to be like this forever--it's already been too long; being this lonely. i'm tired of not being able to really talk to someone, of not having someone who's even remotely like me. i just want one friend.

i wish i could leave & not remember anything. i want to be erased from every ones memory & leave small traces of me behind. if only i could start over maybe i'd be happy, i wouldn't screw up. if only i could start over but i don't know where.

if only i could start over.