again and again and. again

it's been awhile.

lets jump to me visiting el paso october 5th, it was a lot of fun i hung out with Alex, this boy i really liked. jump to me visiting again for the rapture show on the 26th, the show was amazing! anyway, the naxt day i really wanted to see him so Nora dropped me off at his house around 2-3 am & we were hanging out then all of a sudden we started kissing, it was nice, i got to share a kiss with the boy i liked. but then i think he wanted to do more, well duh! he is a male. so i stopped & apologized for stopping, i don't know. bleh. i was just really paranoid that he wanted to use me, you know? he's a really cool guy and well i'm nothing. it sucks. he's like everything i want in a guy. i really wish we could become good friends. to make matters worse i probably ruined something with this boy Kalen, from class. i think i could've really liked him. but eh, he probably wasn't interested anyway.

starting to feel "alone" again. there's no one i can really talk to except for Pops =) on another note, i feel so detached from people, i'm not really feeling my friends as of late. i'm really glad i have him as a friend. and there's no one that share the same interests as me. it really sucks, i really wish i could make some friends at least people i have common interests with. i guess that's why i kinda wanted a boyfriend, at least i would be less lonely.
I really miss Joaquin! i know i know, i say that a lot, but i just can't get over things. i hate dwelling in the past. if only my present could be spectacular...

i've just been really sad lately. i can't stand it. i'm glad at least i'm not feeling like this ep, that was worse. i don't think i could ever move back there, i mean i like it there & all but it's just not for me, i want to keep going on to places. travel and travel.
i need to reinvent myself...

i'm in desperate need of a friend......

i really really want to disappear.. start over. i really do. i'm needing it