fingers crossed

so i've moved in w/Michael and his roommate and his girlfriend. eh-- not such a good idea now that i think of it- i can't bring myself to feel comfortable here with the roommates or myself. it feels like i'm living here with them and i'm just breathing furniture. i know this living situation will come tumbling down and i will be at the bottom of the rubble. i'm scared that this will be the end of us. i think i'm almost sure of it, my paranoia gets to me and it gets me.

i can feel us losing touch. sometimes i don't think that he really loves me and i want him to. if we were to break up i don't think he'll really care. he always tells me that if i'm not happy to go find someone else. it hurts when he says that and every time he does it i try to lose my attachments to him and talk myself into slowly losing love for him. i don't want to fall out of love with him. he'll end up leaving me... =( i really like cuddling and touching; i'm too affectionate and needy. i have to stop imagining of passionate long kisses. usually happens before or after sex. i want it all the time.

i feel so out of place living here with them. there's hardly any conversation and if there is it's cheap talk. i don't like the computer being downstairs. it's no privacy. i can't do what i usually do on it when it's down here cus the roommates are usually right here. it's hard for me to talk to them. i'm trying hard. i'm just incapable. i wish i could be as social and cool as i used to be. i don't know where that part of me went. also my hard drive isn't in the computer so there's even less for me to do. i hate it. there's no place for me to go. i can't leave cus i have no place to go and i want to be w/ Michael.

i've also been getting super emotional lately these past months. i think it has something to do w/the birth control and all the hormones. stress at work(i have to choose between 2 bosses). going back to school, picking classes and i don't know what i want to do or be. my friends are in different places and i have no one to talk to. crying, drawing- the point? i feel so alone.i hate this shit feeling. hasn't gone anywhere for years. how fucking amazing.

i want to move somewhere else. away from the extreme heat for a bit. i like sleep. =) Michael said if we save up money to move somewhere when the lease is over then somewhere on the coast. also, he was thinking of us taking an alaskan cruise for my 21st birthday next year. =D fingers crossed for both.