the chills

so i started school once again after a semester off and man it's strange-- i don't really feel anything towards it. if i pass math i;ll hopefully receive my AA! i'm excited about that. hopefully everything will go well with classes. my civil rights class was dropped =( turns out i didn't need it. (everything happens for a reason...

while on the subject of school, on the first day back i bump in to none other than Kalen (the boy i liked before Michael). how un-effing-predictable. it was the first time i've seen him in a long time. it was kinda strange. but the strangest thing was that little feelings popped up a little. then i kinda started thinking about the feelings that crept up a little. it was just like man i should've never hurt anybody. i wish i hadn't. ..=/ that night i had a dream of him. we were on a couch watching tv and all of a sudden he starts cuddling w/me and i don't stop him. i let him continue and i start to as well. it felt nice. then we started hunting these crazed high school kids who were going around murdering people. we had a deadline and i don't think we ever caught them. i woke up and i started thinking about me & Michael and then Kalen. like why did i dream of him & of that? i think it could be that one night we did cuddle. eh. so i awoke questioning things. i like Michael and he has been changing since we've talked. i've noticed them. but sometimes when i can't stop my thoughts i always think negatively. i hate that i do that. To make things worse i told Michael about the dream-- how stupid. i didn't think it would be a big deal but apparently it is. i was trying to be more open, see i've been trying to change too. i was going through old text's and i experienced so many emotions and i could feel them in my stomach, in my muscles, throughout my body. the chills and the butterflies.

When it's bad i think that we won't last. when it's good i want it to be forever. but i've learned that nothings forever and i don't know if i'm trying to prepare myself for that day or just toughen up again. i wasn't like this w/Alex, but i also only got over him almost a year ago.

But all this long term committed relationship is scaring me a little. sometimes i wish i would've done more crazy things earlier. this just scares me and i don't know what to do or think or how to handle things. i'm scared and nervous and just bleh. i'm only 20 and i'm awlays frustrated or stressed or sad about something-- bullshit. i'm tired and bored.

on another note i don't really care bout the roommates as much but i know i'd rather not live with them. i've come to terms w/being the breathing moving furniture. Michael admitted that we made a mistake moving in together cus we weren't ready. i know it's mostly my fault-- i was just tired of only seeing him 2 days a week. i rushed things & i regret it.

he;s my best friend...