ineffectivley searching...

nervous

2008-12-10T20:11:00.004-07:00

i'm in the same rut again. i hate feeling like this. right now i'm nervous about finals and my supervisor said she needs to talk to me about something that her boss wants her to tell me. so i'm pretty nervous about that. i'm pretty sure it's something bad; she said it was important. i wish i found out what it was today before i left work now it's gonna really cause me to have some sleep problems.

Also, Cookie had her baby on Dec.1! Cadence is now out and about in the world. i haven't heard from her and am worried. she called while i was work and left a message saying she has just been getting sick off and on since the baby was born. i hope everything goes great with her and her new family.

I also wish the best for Nora, Jeffy & their baby Kami. i haven't been texting with Nora as much; i hope everything is alright too.

I hate that i always think the worse. All these things worry me. i'm so stressed; i wish i wouldn't worry as much- all this is just so much to handle.

gah!

one day....

wild world weed pulling

2008-10-28T21:11:00.003-06:00

i found my animal crossing that had been missing for months!! i was so excited when i found it. i enjoy pulling weeds. =) so i've also been searching for people who have the game so we can do a little visiting. =)

i really need another job or hurry up with my asking for a raise. i found the exact same job but they get paid $2.00 more. i was so upset when i saw this, i felt used. but i'm too much of a coward to tell them about what i found and that i want a raise. i don't think my supervisor's boss likes me. =\ but i need to do something by the end of the year. i don't make enough for rent or gas. how pathetic.

on another news, i'm starting to get a taste for peanut, only with chocolate tho. =)

ps. i also need to start making friends. i am lonely.

a feeling

2008-09-01T21:49:00.002-06:00

i feel strange.

kinda like feeling that something big will happen soon- changes. i don't know- i don't really like this feeling.

i'm scared.

the chills

2008-08-27T21:45:00.006-06:00

so i started school once again after a semester off and man it's strange-- i don't really feel anything towards it. if i pass math i;ll hopefully receive my AA! i'm excited about that. hopefully everything will go well with classes. my civil rights class was dropped =( turns out i didn't need it. (everything happens for a reason...

while on the subject of school, on the first day back i bump in to none other than Kalen (the boy i liked before Michael). how un-effing-predictable. it was the first time i've seen him in a long time. it was kinda strange. but the strangest thing was that little feelings popped up a little. then i kinda started thinking about the feelings that crept up a little. it was just like man i should've never hurt anybody. i wish i hadn't. ..=/ that night i had a dream of him. we were on a couch watching tv and all of a sudden he starts cuddling w/me and i don't stop him. i let him continue and i start to as well. it felt nice. then we started hunting these crazed high school kids who were going around murdering people. we had a deadline and i don't think we ever caught them. i woke up and i started thinking about me & Michael and then Kalen. like why did i dream of him & of that? i think it could be that one night we did cuddle. eh. so i awoke questioning things. i like Michael and he has been changing since we've talked. i've noticed them. but sometimes when i can't stop my thoughts i always think negatively. i hate that i do that. To make things worse i told Michael about the dream-- how stupid. i didn't think it would be a big deal but apparently it is. i was trying to be more open, see i've been trying to change too. i was going through old text's and i experienced so many emotions and i could feel them in my stomach, in my muscles, throughout my body. the chills and the butterflies.

When it's bad i think that we won't last. when it's good i want it to be forever. but i've learned that nothings forever and i don't know if i'm trying to prepare myself for that day or just toughen up again. i wasn't like this w/Alex, but i also only got over him almost a year ago.

But all this long term committed relationship is scaring me a little. sometimes i wish i would've done more crazy things earlier. this just scares me and i don't know what to do or think or how to handle things. i'm scared and nervous and just bleh. i'm only 20 and i'm awlays frustrated or stressed or sad about something-- bullshit. i'm tired and bored.

on another note i don't really care bout the roommates as much but i know i'd rather not live with them. i've come to terms w/being the breathing moving furniture. Michael admitted that we made a mistake moving in together cus we weren't ready. i know it's mostly my fault-- i was just tired of only seeing him 2 days a week. i rushed things & i regret it.

he;s my best friend...

fingers crossed

2008-07-24T21:36:00.007-06:00

so i've moved in w/Michael and his roommate and his girlfriend. eh-- not such a good idea now that i think of it- i can't bring myself to feel comfortable here with the roommates or myself. it feels like i'm living here with them and i'm just breathing furniture. i know this living situation will come tumbling down and i will be at the bottom of the rubble. i'm scared that this will be the end of us. i think i'm almost sure of it, my paranoia gets to me and it gets me.

i can feel us losing touch. sometimes i don't think that he really loves me and i want him to. if we were to break up i don't think he'll really care. he always tells me that if i'm not happy to go find someone else. it hurts when he says that and every time he does it i try to lose my attachments to him and talk myself into slowly losing love for him. i don't want to fall out of love with him. he'll end up leaving me... =( i really like cuddling and touching; i'm too affectionate and needy. i have to stop imagining of passionate long kisses. usually happens before or after sex. i want it all the time.

i feel so out of place living here with them. there's hardly any conversation and if there is it's cheap talk. i don't like the computer being downstairs. it's no privacy. i can't do what i usually do on it when it's down here cus the roommates are usually right here. it's hard for me to talk to them. i'm trying hard. i'm just incapable. i wish i could be as social and cool as i used to be. i don't know where that part of me went. also my hard drive isn't in the computer so there's even less for me to do. i hate it. there's no place for me to go. i can't leave cus i have no place to go and i want to be w/ Michael.

i've also been getting super emotional lately these past months. i think it has something to do w/the birth control and all the hormones. stress at work(i have to choose between 2 bosses). going back to school, picking classes and i don't know what i want to do or be. my friends are in different places and i have no one to talk to. crying, drawing- the point? i feel so alone.i hate this shit feeling. hasn't gone anywhere for years. how fucking amazing.

i want to move somewhere else. away from the extreme heat for a bit. i like sleep. =) Michael said if we save up money to move somewhere when the lease is over then somewhere on the coast. also, he was thinking of us taking an alaskan cruise for my 21st birthday next year. =D fingers crossed for both.

EP visit

2008-01-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

We went to visit EP this past weekend for Cookies birthday. This was the first time i brought anyone home to meet my family ever. My brother actually liked Michael which is weird because he's very picky and judgmental. i'm glad he like him and Michael liked my bro too-- my family and friends for that matter. =)

the only bad thing that happened was that we got into a fight which i don't remember at all =\ cus i was piss drunk. it was horrible. never again am i drinking that much. i don't want to lose him.

As corny as it sounds but i realized how much i care for him and that i love him immensely. i do. i'm in love with my Michael....

<33

lovers coma

2008-01-02T02:33:00.000-07:00

so lately i've been feeling really down; like i'm about to break anytime. i've been crying a lot again and even little things spark this. also i've noticed that i get very emotional around Michael even when we're just speaking over the phone, actually it happens more when we're on the phone together. i think we're falling out of love...
or at least i think he's falling out of love with me. here i am struggling with trying to figure out if i am in love with him; (i know i love him a lot!!) and i always realize this shit out late. i hope this isn't really happening... i want this to be at least semi-permanent if it can't be eternal.

how pathetic. once i've mastered not having any feelings for anyone beyond friendship here he comes along and bam! just when i stopped believing in love, maybe i still don't know what it is. i can feel myself starting to become distant and i'm not sure if i'm using this just as a defense mechanism. Nora left a comment--"love is an invention" she said she had forgotten about that...

i really don't know anything anymore about everything. i've lost passion for things i enjoyed and now i don't even know if i ever had any at all. i am a shell of my former self, a very cracked shell. i'm completely hollow and it scares me. i want to be happy again. i'm living in a coma. someone resuscitate me (Michael).

i'm addicted to feeling loved. does this come with emotional attachments?

i really don't know how to explain all of this. i need someone to talk to, a stranger. someone to feel close to, to build a strong emotional bond to share only to more than likely sever it. just like everything and everyone else. =\

i am a poor invention. make me a meeting with a 45 magnum.

i'm missing him already =(...

fatty cakes

2007-11-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

i like this boy =D

i haven't actually had a crush on anyone in a long time so it's kinda scary. to say the least he is a way cool guy, very witty and sarcastic- i dig that. i hope he at least likes me tho. he says he has a crush on me too, which is really nice to like someone who digs you the same way. i'm just paranoid that once he meets me he won't like me and get bored.

we'll see where this friendship/???? goes. hopefully somewhere good. =)

again and again and. again

2007-11-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile.

lets jump to me visiting el paso october 5th, it was a lot of fun i hung out with Alex, this boy i really liked. jump to me visiting again for the rapture show on the 26th, the show was amazing! anyway, the naxt day i really wanted to see him so Nora dropped me off at his house around 2-3 am & we were hanging out then all of a sudden we started kissing, it was nice, i got to share a kiss with the boy i liked. but then i think he wanted to do more, well duh! he is a male. so i stopped & apologized for stopping, i don't know. bleh. i was just really paranoid that he wanted to use me, you know? he's a really cool guy and well i'm nothing. it sucks. he's like everything i want in a guy. i really wish we could become good friends. to make matters worse i probably ruined something with this boy Kalen, from class. i think i could've really liked him. but eh, he probably wasn't interested anyway.

starting to feel "alone" again. there's no one i can really talk to except for Pops =) on another note, i feel so detached from people, i'm not really feeling my friends as of late. i'm really glad i have him as a friend. and there's no one that share the same interests as me. it really sucks, i really wish i could make some friends at least people i have common interests with. i guess that's why i kinda wanted a boyfriend, at least i would be less lonely.
I really miss Joaquin! i know i know, i say that a lot, but i just can't get over things. i hate dwelling in the past. if only my present could be spectacular...

i've just been really sad lately. i can't stand it. i'm glad at least i'm not feeling like this ep, that was worse. i don't think i could ever move back there, i mean i like it there & all but it's just not for me, i want to keep going on to places. travel and travel.
i need to reinvent myself...

i'm in desperate need of a friend......

i really really want to disappear.. start over. i really do. i'm needing it

you travel

2007-08-16T02:15:00.000-06:00

i'm so afraid of the future; its a real scary thing. i'm just really paranoid that i will still amount to nothing and not be able to support myself. as of now i'm doing a pretty crappy job with that. i don't think i'm cut out for living. i really don't. i can't picture myself set or happy-- ungrounded.

i like the idea of not being grounded but i know that i do need stability, financially. other than that i wish i were more free. i want to travel & experience things. i don't want to have to be stuck somewhere i don't want to be doing something that eats at me. i want to keep searching until i find the place i want to be. waking up somewhere strange and welcoming. having it feel new all the time; without that feeling fading.

i want to disappear & be.............. something unexplainable-- that makes you smile.

waking up somewhere strange with someone indescribably amazing. never seeing this come.

a bottle can't cure a heartache

2007-07-25T16:42:00.000-06:00

i'm going back to feeling strange. you know those feelings that you can't explain but it's something? eh, i remember i felt like this in 2004 around the time i got into the accident. it's a lonely feeling and it's not because i moved; it's just me. ghosts follow you wherever you go. i'm sad & i need more pills. something else that's constant. a difference-- back then i had Alix to talk with =)

i find myself yearning for the past once again. my obsession with it will never end. i wish things turned out differently. i don't want to find myself repetitively thinking & longing about it all the time. i hate that time has to pass so fast, i wish i could go back.

i think i will always be chasing ghosts.

i'm glad i have Nora, she might be miles away but i'm glad.

i'm overdue for a change.

just once more

2007-07-08T18:12:00.000-06:00

i should be packing more than i am; i think procrastination is still with me, it shows more now though. i'm leaving Friday to Tempe, the apt will be ready on Sunday. i'm starting to get a bit scared now but i know nerves will hit on the way over there. this is one of the most life changing things that i've done. i wonder how it will go, i'm so used to being babied around & not really doing little things on my own.

so many things are changing it's really wild. it feels like some reality network could videotape everything going on. there might be a little less drama but hey we can't all be a generic version of the O.C.

Nora moved in with Jeffy. Cookie got a boyfriend, my cousin, Velia is planning her move to Florida, Marilyn & i are moving from one desert to a hotter one. i've never seen Crossroads but Nora says this is like the movie. who knows?

i don't feel the same way about Cookie as i used to. i know it's been changing for a while but suddenly the decrease got steep. maybe it's just for the time being, it's just we don't click as much as people see. we only click as much as people think we do. i went to a show with Janet on the 1st. i had a real grand time! i wish i could have hung out with her more. we're a lot alike & yet i can't really call her "best friend" it's weird that people who have so many things in common & get along aren't that close with each other. much like your soul mate-- very unexpected.

i'm looking so hard for Thursday's Porcelain music notes! i want my tattoo already. if only i stumbled upon someone who can convert songs into musical notes. =( help?!

i really miss Joaquin a lot =( this sucks-- i really wish i didn't screw things up & now i can't find him. just once more.....

near tears

2007-06-30T21:28:00.000-06:00

Marilyn & i got an apt in Tempe this past weekend; 2bed 1bath. i was hella nervous about it when i was signing the contract, i was almost backing out but i guess it was just the biggest thing i've ever done for myself. we move in sunday July 15. i need to start packing & getting things ready. i'm not really as nervous as i should be-- i suppose it hasn't hit me yet. i only regret not doing more things here in EP that i should have. oh well, we all regret things, i'll learn.

i was frustrated parts of the time going over there & coming back, i wasted about $200 on gas, i was just angry that i was the only one paying for gas & practically everything. i understand though. now i don't mind as much.

Humphrey got declawed & neutered last wednesday. my poor innocent kitty! =( right now he's limping, it hurts him to use one of his paws; it hurts me too. =( hopefully he'll get better soon & fast.

i saw my Dad last week as well, it was nice, i almost wanted to cry a lot of the time. at some points my eyes began tearing. =( i hate feeling sad. i saw my little sister for the first time in years, since she was a baby wrapped up tightly. it's crazy, she's tall for a 4 year old. she's going to start kinder in august, i wish her the best of luck. my little bro might get promoted to the 9th grade & he's only 12!

a name, a name, a name?

2007-06-18T22:34:00.002-06:00

so earlier i talked with my dad, which is interesting because i hardly see him much less talk to him. i don't know why i don't feel as close to him as i should; maybe it's cus i didn't really see him much growing up or remember things w/him in involved. for that matter i don't remember much of my childhood-- hmm? i'm glad i talked to him, i love him. i also got to talk to my littler half sister, Ale. she's already 4, all i remember is a baby being held by dad's new wife.

my little half brother, Ceasarin is a really smart kid. he's only 11 and already he's getting requests for special science & math conferences. my dad said he's very intellectual and he also has an offer to go to the white house. i'm trying to egg him on on doing all this for him, he has a really good chance at getting scholarships & have a set future w/out having to worry about finances.

he got a letter to go to a conference in Massachusetts, if anything, i want him to definitely visit there! i want him to have every opportunity he can get. i wanta see him succeed in every aspect of his life. i told my dad that i'd go w/my little brother to his conferences if they can't go or any other reason. i want to help out, you know? hopefully i can.

on another note, i feel weird about what to call them, my other siblings-- half-bro & sis, Ale & Ceaserin. i feel weird calling him Ceaserin even odder saying Ceaser, i don't know why but it just sounds weird when it comes from my mouth. i want to have a closer bond with them.

if only

2007-06-11T21:49:00.000-06:00

ok, i am going crazy again. i feel really weird; everything is just different. either that or i am. i don't know, i feel really sad, i hate being depressed & i can't stop it. i wish i wouldn't feel this way so much but i do-- years now. i always thought this would stop & i someday soon i would be happy. but that day hasn't come & i'm all alone crawling in my dry skin.

i don't have any friends, my art sucks, i've lost my sanity. i hate this--i'm so tired. i'm very tired. i want to be honestly happy, i want to make at least one real friend. i don't want to be like this forever--it's already been too long; being this lonely. i'm tired of not being able to really talk to someone, of not having someone who's even remotely like me. i just want one friend.

i wish i could leave & not remember anything. i want to be erased from every ones memory & leave small traces of me behind. if only i could start over maybe i'd be happy, i wouldn't screw up. if only i could start over but i don't know where.

if only i could start over.

cat attack re-cap

2007-06-11T12:46:00.000-06:00

well things have changed a bit since i've been on here. first off, Marilyn & i are going to be the ones moving to Tempe at the latest, mid July. she's been working overtime & stuff so she can save up some cash to go over there with while i, have no job & am just going with what i have. how sad =(

Humphrey is still so cute!! my cat attacked me. in the morning my mom let him in my room & man was he awake & on a cat-nip high. he wouldn't let me sleep. he made a mess of things in my room, he kept bothering me, pausing dreams for him scratching my hand & biting my feet. he's so playful.

last night, i thought that music under the stars had already started. so some friends & i went to check it out & turns out it doesn't begin till June 17th. i like going, its fun, the music is nice & the food is hella delicious! i can feel the lard attach itself to my stomach just looking at it.

my craziness has subsided a bit. i haven't had any big anxiety attacks for a while now. they're one of the worst feelings.

Diego had a graduation party on Saturday & i saw this guy that i used to have a crush on in high school. it made me want to have a boyfriend.

the nights

2007-05-30T12:54:00.000-06:00

i went to court on Friday & all i have to do is go to a 6 hour alcohol awareness class. i'm so glad i didn't have to pay the 200 something dollars. a week before that we got Humphrey, our new kitty, he's so adorable and can't jump very well, it's cute.

i've been having really strong feelings lately, scary ones. i don't know but i'm so afraid of dying. i feel that it's near and i don't want to die. i'm really scared. it hits harder at nights. i think i've been driving myself crazy each night, i lose control sometimes & start crying or get really angry. i can't even focus, everything is speeding then pausing all of a sudden & my mind is going 20 different places at the same time & it's scary. i don't want to end up crazy either. maybe i'm just overreacting.

friendly but lonely

2007-05-18T21:58:00.000-06:00

i wish i had friends, real friends. it's kinda pathetic that i've been like this for years now, more than half a decade. i don't know what it is but i guess i'm just compatible with people. if only i could make friends, but i'm the last person anyone will even glance at.

i wanta leave far away and just reinvent myself, hopefully try & be happy. why does living come easier to others?

03 Days Later

2007-05-14T14:58:00.000-06:00

i saw 28 Weeks Later finally! of course i didn't watch it Friday =( first off-- it wasn't as great as 28 Days, hell no it wasn't! but i have to admit, i went in looking forward to a letdown. i don't really fancy sequels too much especially with 28 Days (one of my favorites). The soundtrack sounded like it still had some Godspeed in it!!! yay! Danny Boyle is a way better director. I still think the movies are metaphors to life right now-- 'People killing People'

bad news

2007-05-11T16:46:00.000-06:00

Michaela called me today, she didn't sound too good. she said she had bad news i thought that she wasn't going to be able to move to Tempe with us. i should've known by her voice that that wasn't the deal. Josh died in a car accident. they were best friends. i feel so bad; i'm still in shock. i don't want her to feel any pain or hurt but of course there's no helping that. i hope he's alright now, somewhere better, in his God's heaven.

this is the guy i saw two weeks ago after years. he went with us to Phoenix.

why is it when people die it always feels unreal??

when people die they take a piece of us with them...

a moving hair loss

2007-05-06T18:24:00.000-06:00

i know it's just me & how i feel at certain times.

but this whole moving thing to Tempe with Michaela & Nora is a patch of hair loss away from stressing me out. it's cool moving to a new city with two friends but for some reason i wouldn't mind moving by myself.

after all, i was going to go alone. either way, I'll still be alone.

Invisible Mouse

2007-05-04T18:04:00.000-06:00

Invisible Monsters is on my list of favorite books ever!! Mos Def! it's so twisted with a dab of delightful horribleness and has a lot of heart. i did not see the ending coming at all, very heartfelt and insane at the same time. Palahniuk doesn't cease to amaze me. i like the reassurance part of the book in the end. forgetting the past & making up the future-- ah, good 'ol make believe.

this book is chock-full of great quotes. he is so clever & a fantastic author, i love how he can string words so perfectly together. His characters are [lack of words] pretty damned wild.

Hysteria is impossible without an audience

Find what you're afraid of most and go live there

so far all of his books that i've read are on my favorites. i think back to "Haunted", man those stories in there still give me the chills & the whole book too. hmm.. humanity...

Liz told me that he has another book coming out this month; i can't wait =D

i've been feeling faint lately; i think i'm getting sick. well duh, my throat is inflamed and it hurts to swallow. that and i'm feeling weaker than usual. ima see the doc next week. we'll see how that goes.

Modest Mouse is fantastic! in march i thought "i could really get into this new album" the "dashboard" video is so cute!

sleeping dogs

2007-05-03T13:02:00.000-06:00

i know, i know, love babble once again creeps into my blog. so here it goes, last Thursday i went to Phoenix with Michaela & Josh. on our way to pick up Josh, we were talking about Michaela's love problems then these guys from 2004 popped up Kiki, Lee & Mike.

i met Mike through Kiki at the warped tour and we decided to hang out some time since i haven't seen Kiki in a while, turned out Mike had liked me. He was so sweet & nice to me but of course being me i ruined it. =( we were drinking this one time at somebodies house & i ended up the only one drinking & got messed up & vomited at some park on the west side w/Mike taking care of me. the next day he picked me up from way on the west side to hang out w/them at music under the stars-- Liquid Cheese was playing. i didn't realize what i had in front of me & ruined it.

skip to my senior of high school, October 2005, i met Joaquin at an Appleseed Cast & Minus Story show. it was a fan-freaking-tastic show; one of the best ever. Jessica, Lizette & i sat next to him on the fireplace. i still remember what he was wearing-- a black & white striped shirt w/tight-ish black pants. i remember i wanted to see Appleseed Cast really bad & Lizette had to leave early so i started crying & Joaquin came back & stayed with me. it was nice =*) Minus Story blew me away, i effing love them! (one of my favorite bands since) we were sitting with our arms supporting our bodies on the floor. then Appleseed came on, we stood up and the music was just euphoric & it went with the night. he walked me outside since it was too late to buy merch, he kissed me & asked for my number. i was dumbfounded, i couldn't believe some guy was asking for my number. i gave it to him &amp;amp; he called; we started talking a lot & hanging out. he was really into socialism, politics-- well he was just a very interesting guy. he fascinated me. in retrospect: i think i got addicted to him...

jump to me ruining it with him. after the international noise show we went to, i started feeling weird. he tried asking me out & i played stupid. then i ignored his calls & i'm regretting it now. i went to where he worked and found out he doesn't work there anymore; so i doubt he lives in the same apt's. i feel so stupid! i ruined possibly my one chance at being in love with anybody. unfortunately my realization came to late.

it took 3x for me to screw things up w/people & now i learned my lesson. if ever i bump into him i know to leave sleeping dogs lie. =\

...I'm sorry

one shiny toy & a quarter rapture

2007-04-24T19:35:00.000-06:00

EEEEP! last night was so much fun!!! i can't believe it actually happened. i feel life is refreshed & i want to be apart of it again. =D

OK, so here's the low-down on what happened last night. well, i went to tutoring as soon as i got out of my last class at 2 so i can retake a test i did miserable on. Nora called me at around that time, so i slipped out of the tutoring center & called her back. she told me that her sisters boyfriend saw the rapture at guitar center where he works at. i thought that was way cool, you know? The Rapture in El paso, pretty cool; you could just bump into them somewhere. i went to retake the test & i find it the teacher hasn't put it in yet, so i was stuck in tutoring soaking up information i have already forgotten about. and to think i could've been bumping into the Rapture. =\

so i went along my day getting ready for my 5:30 class. Nora decided to pop by the house even though she wasn't going to class. she came & convinced me to ditch class to go with her to see this guys band play. agh! my first time missing my english class =/

to make things better Cookie called & told me that the Rapture was going to be spinning at lucky devils! AGH! no way! i couldn't believe it, one of my favorite bands here in El paso & spinning at a club. of course Nora & I went nuts to the sound of the news. but she wouldn't tell me who told her; i found that weird but i had a lack of caring about it. relating back to my attachment-less things.

first we went to the east side & ate at this super delicious Chinese restaurant, that made us some orange tofu! mmm, tasty. then we headed out to the show. i was so nervous, i started shaking profusely. we weren't completely sure that it was actually gonna go down. so we went to this gas station so i could use the restroom & i asked this guy who was there if he knew if they were going to play. he told me that Jeremy from Shiny Toy Guns & The Rapture were going to be there spinning. finally the proof was there & we went back to the show.

we were scared at first cus everyone there was either gothic or punk & we stood out like a sore thumb especially me in my 80s attire. we hung out with this guy that we met at a party, Mathias & Juliet. oh man, we waited forever for them to play. there were two bands that i actually liked that played-- Rome to Paris & Armageddon dildos. Liz's friend Nick gave us free Cd's of his little electro project thing, instrumental stuff.

things fell right into place where they belonged: i see this guy from afar in a white hoodie with wavy hair. i think to myself "oh my effing hell, its a guy from the Rapture!!!" i got Juliet to talk to him first but then just threw me in. we talked to Luke for a while. he was really nice &amp; hella tall; i look really tiny next to him. he was talking a lot to Jeremy of Shiny Toy Guns. i was oddly really attracted to Jeremy, i didn't know why, but i was too shy to talk to him. how sad =(

the really last band to play (inertia--UK) sucked ass! i hated them, they were putting me to sleep & did i mention they sucked? hardcore style man. they wanted to kill me, i swear. finally, we survived through them & Luke was setting up to DJ. it was awesome, we hit the dance floor & i didn't stop until the owner closed down the bar. he played a lot of old school stuff, really cool stuff. some 90s hip hop & rap to the Bee Gees!!! it was amazing!!!!! then it hit me why i was really attracted to Jeremy-- he reminded me of Carlos D.

we took pics of him spinning & a pic with him of course & i got to take a pic with Jeremy at the end when i finally got the courage!!!! =) he held me really nice. like lovers in love would. i thought, it must be nice for someone way bigger than you to just hold you like that (granted the guy holding me is someone like him) it felt really nice....[daydreaming]

....

Love would feel like this....

one thing that Luke told us that really stood out was that we should never be sorry for going up & talking to someone. that night was incredible, i can't explain what epiphanies were going through me & how amazing i felt. i really have a new outlook on life with clearer eyes. i really do. i feel like i can do anything & with empowering words coming from him i think i will.

Jacks bones

2007-04-22T16:51:00.000-06:00

man this weekend passed by fast, it seems like it didn't even happen & we skipped a weekend. hmm?? i've been feeling bored lately, i don't usually get bored but i have lacked constructive activities.

holy effing moly! i finished reading Palahniuk's 'Haunted' about two weeks ago. man oh man is that book insane. i loved it. humans are scary. what is "humanity"?

our world of only humans, a world without humanity

so, yesterday was Liz's (Nora's friend) horse warming party. i don't think it was the official one. since it was more of a kickback. it was really weird at first, since their two other co-workers were there. once again without fail Cookie & i alienated ourselves from the group. i hate always doing that. it was just really awkward. then they left & it was pretty cool. Liz & her boyfriend David have crazy tattoos-- very nice. it's a nice house for them. they must be happy.

they have this really cool skeleton, Jack. he's my hunny-boney-bunny!

oh man i'm sucha dumb-dumb!

She told me that love isn't that great.

attachmentless

2007-04-19T11:49:00.000-06:00

school's out in about 3 weeks. i kinda don't want it to end, i don't know why but it has to happen. man, i'm getting older. it's scary! so i really want to move out soon so i can start as in state in Phoenix, if only i could move to Boston.

i think a reason into why i'm able to just get up & leave is that i don't have any strong attachments and if i did i'm sure i would do it anyway. just leaving with so many things left undone. it's possible. i'll soon forget about it and think, "that was stupid to think of." i know i'll miss my mom the most.

i've been feeling different around my friends. i feel that some friends keeps things from me, [s]he goes through the trouble of me not finding out. but by doing that it makes things worse. you know the whole trust factor is depleting. i do it too but i'm a naturally private person & i don't try to keep things from people. i saw Marilyn at Diego's party, it was kinda awkward, like an old friend from high school that you bump into and you try to talk with them & realize it's no more than the past. those feelings suck. burns a hole right through past ideas. but Marilyn is really sweet, i miss talking and hanging out with her. she's a real friend (these don't come around too often).

hopefully things will be different. i should really try.....

that overshadowing feeling again...

2007-04-16T14:59:00.000-06:00

last night Michaela called me saying she wanted to move with me when i left & i said, "OK." she asked who else is going to move and of course i told her about my plans and my friends (Nora & Cookie)-- more than likely once we've settled in Nora needs the end of the year to finish paying off things & then she'll move. Cookie on the other hand i think might go once she's visited and sees how we're doing. i'm thinking by January of '08 we'll all be under one roof in a different city, more than likely in the Phoenix area.

other than this seemingly perfect plan, i have doubts, like anyone. i don't mind moving but i always have these overbearing feelings that have re precautions. you know how you can close your eyes and imagine your future-- very vaguely but still you can envision certain things & when you try to imagine something you want, it doesn't fit? i still very much want to move to the east coast, my dream school is there! but i know that will never happen =( for some reason i can picture myself in Boston or some other big city in the north east. Maine doesn't sound too bad either. i can see myself on some high rise apt building looking at the cold outside. [daydreaming]

bleh! anyways, El Paso isn't for me. it's not that bad but something about this feels very entrapping. i don't want to have my casket here.

my weekend in recap:
on Saturday was Diego's party. i thought it was going to be a little b-day party for him but it was a house party. crazy, his brother didn't scare me as much =) Marilyn was there! she's so hard to get a hold of. i think my alcohol tolerance has gone down. i had about five drinks & i was buzzing really nice. i made Diego a shirt with his face on it. it's a black on pink stencil on white shirt that barley fit him. he liked it a lot, i hope he really did.

on another note. my Mom's birthday was on Sunday. we saw 'Dead Silence' and ate subway at this tiny little park. it was nice. i really want to make things better for my Mama. i love her so much! she'll be the only person i will really miss. one day i want to be able to take care of her financially, so she won't have any worries in the world.

fixations

2007-04-12T20:49:00.000-06:00

so, i'm chatting with Pops and he thinks radical ideas have been implanted in my head. well that may be true-- i'm just a severely paranoid person. he also wants to be with someone already, that was way out of left fields outer field. i'm not saying i don't wanta be with somebody, it's just that it's not as easy as everyone makes it seem. it just seems that everyone i know wants me to be with someone already. it's pretty weird. well, i don't know very many people so it's just my mind exaggerating things trying to make things seem crazy and weirder than they actually are. i don't know why my mind always tries to find flaws in things & fixates on minor details. ehh..

man, i love INTERPOL! i'm really looking forward to their new album. i wish i could see them at Coachella. =( man, i hate being poor & friendless. it really sucks. i should really try & make an effort at making friends. i don't know why it's so hard....

mmm, Blubby (Paul Banks) & Carlos D. could very well be the hottest men alive! Carlos and his bones! jeez! that man is beauty & Blubby with his words & voice! he is beauty undefined.....

procrastination

2007-04-11T15:06:00.000-06:00

a lot has happened to me since the last time I've written here, but i won't get into that. there's this feeling that i have involving Hope's brother. it's something odd and it leaves my body shaken. i had this dream with him; we were running away from ghosts with our hands clasped tight. i know, i know-- this is just a dream. but i don't understand why i can't talk to him. i mean i used to know him, granted not very well but still there's was a certain "bond" there. (i use bond because of the lack of words to describe what it is). i used to be outgoing and happy, now i'm just paranoid and searching. i really want to talk to him again but i don't know how to go about it. he's so damned intimidating! and he's always busy. i feel the need to talk with him & i need to do it before school lets out in the beginning of next month. i doubt i'll do it, but maybe luck will be on my side and arrange a chance meeting between us.

i just go blank when i see him and my body turns limp. =\ this has never happened to me before. maybe links to the past should never be brought up. it sounds like an infatuation, but it isn't, it's something more.... like a feeling ???

split weekend & the man

2007-03-29T16:11:00.000-06:00

well it turns out a traffic citation i had gotten last year has come to haunt me! i just a letter in the mail that i have to pay $86 for it. i went to defensive driving and all. i told my mom and the situation seems to be a tad more worse than it is. apparently i have to pay more cash 'cus i didn't go to court, i didn't even get a letter saying i was to appear in court! the instructor at defensive driving told me it was ok if the letter was late but now all the signs are pointing to it's not! well in 59 days i will have a warrant issued out for me. but i'm gonna fight this! my mom just told me that if i get stopped by a cop i'll be taken in!! i don't want this to be on my record! i'm upset right now. i hope this works itself out in a good way for me :S

in other news, it's time to take out the snappy dresses & dance at ledisko! it's this Saturday, i passes out lots of the flyer's, hopefully i won't get my anxiety up when i see more people there. either that or i'll be drunk before. people tend to go away just a little when i'm drunk (plus it loosens my inhibitions) on the same day my favorite local band, Subrosa, is gonna have a CD release party. i haven't heard from them in years! since i was a sophomore (i think) so ima try to split the night.

an update on my social things-- i think i'm actually doing a lot better of talking to people, i really haven't made any friends but i was able to give out flyer's to people like nothing! i'm proud! [pats self on back] so hopefully i'll be able to dance like there's no tomorrow.

Big Brother has come-a-knocking

2007-03-18T22:51:00.000-06:00

AGH! I'm so scared right now; well i was more frightened earlier. while doing some research on my big bro paper i stumbled on some crazy articles. By May 11, 2008 we all will have to have REAL IDs World Net Daily . It's really scary, after reading it i was filled with terror, these id's will have our information on it, our full name, SS#, dob, license #, address, digital photo, a fingerprint, facial features & iris scan to go with it too. I know I'm not that paranoid but this is scary. i really do hope that this will not happen besides it's already going into effect. I'm not religious, but this may be "the mark of the devil" according to a christian site. I'm not worried about it being "the devil" but it's scary that we will be tracked wherever we are and we are being watched.

1984 is happening and it's not even trying to hide itself; what shame! other than this smart cameras are being put up in Chicago & i think New York has some already. these smart cameras are being used to stop potential fights before they begin by measuring a person's voice with aggression. when it reaches a certain level, the camera detects it, sends out an alarm & dispatches police. Holland seems to like it.

Canada's looking nicer than ever now.

PLEASE! if anyone is reading this please click to vote against the ID chip!!!

arizona

2007-03-16T13:26:00.000-06:00

well i know it's been a while since i've been on here & i s'pose i should catch up on what i've been doing. on sunday morning Brenda, Cookie & i left to Arizona & we just got back today around 10. boy was it hella fun! i absolutely loved it. but of course to every bad there were goods. we stayed with Brenda's cousin, Arlene & her cousin, Tania in this really nice apartment. she's only 19 & she's really well off & very independent; i couldn't believe she's my age! :0 i thought man, i could've been doing this like her.we smam so much over there, everyday actually and the jacuzzi was absolutely delicious!

being over there felt nice, i didn't get homesick like cookie, she wanted to leave the first day we got there, which kinda blowed. i didn't know she would be like that when travelling. Brenda didn't really seem to want to do anything. so i was left with all the excitement to myself. =\ i wanted to check out the malls, imax, roller rink, zoo, desert, downtown, etc.. but nope nothing really like that. but we did do a lot of things. downtown Tempe was super nice & jeez-lou-eeze is asu huge! i think i'm scared of applying there. so many people & everyone looked hardcore intimidating. this is the first time i actually felt like a minority & then two minutes later i got over it & loved it!

a lot of people from everywhere live there, that was pretty wild. all the vehicles are also really nice, i don't think i saw more than 4 cars that were below a 2000 model.

hm, i've racked up one adventure which was actually pretty wild and very unexpected. on wednesday Cookie & Brenda went to take a dip in the pool & i was freezing so i stayed in to watch the tube. i decided to go out to hang by the pool with them and Tania (Brenda's cousins' cousin) Brenda told me that she had stickered this cute guy in black walking around. i didn't see anyone. then she said "there they are", i asked her if she wanted me to ask them if they wanted to join them for a swim. she wanted me to talk to them. so i asked them & they said maybe later, i left to get some more water & they were coming into the pool as i came back out. so, we all started talking about things & then they were swimming & since i made one get in the pool i had to, so i went to put on my bathing suit & prolonged getting in. but i did, i took them by surprise. then it was us three & asked if we wanted to go to the hot tub with them, i was like sure, but i wouldn't go alone, so Cookie came along. oh the only working hot tub was in the other complex & we had to jump the gate to get in, how sad. that hot tub was effing boiling! but it felt good, we kept going in & out of the cold water to the hot one. mmm... it felt good, a little shocking to the body. my poor nerves! i thought we'd all hand out, you know just talking & then it became apparent that we were going to pair off 'cus cookie liked the funny sounding one. as for me i talked to Conrad and we had lots of things in common, so we had a long intense conversation. followed by some cuddling =) i like cuddling. long story short. we didn't get back to the apt until 15 till 5 am! Brenda came out "What the Fuck guys!" haha, it was funny, i was so scared i don't remember un-hugging the guys & getting inside. she was just worried, how cute. alas, we left. so Tania's going to exchange my number with Conrad. but i forgot to give her my number! =\ so that's going to be a problem. but it was a good connection, he was really nice.

i love road trips! travelling is calling my name once more!

boycotts & relationships

2007-03-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

Nora thinks that i don't let myself find/be in a relationship. which is kinda true but i really don't feel the need to be in one even though i've been wanting to fall madly in love. ok, i lied; i do, but's it not as easy as it seems. i think meeting someone online is romantic and in person can be much more impersonal. but i'm going to try & go on at least one date. hopefully someone will ask me [gulp]

it doesn't seem like Scottsdale is going to happen this spring break, Brenda hasn't gotten her income tax, we haven't met her mom yet, and the whole lack of cash with everyone. so that kinda blows.

i think my boycotts have started up once again:
-wal-mart
-fast food
-starbucks (3 1/2 yrs)
etc...

Eep!! Calla is gonna play in Alb' on the 23rd so hopefully i can go see them, anyone wanta join? the more* the merrier and cheaper it'll cost too.

*limit 4 people. ha

kitty kitty bang...Bang!

2007-02-26T16:48:00.000-07:00

my kitty has been missing since Thursday. i really miss her & i hope she comes back soon. so i went to the animal shelter after i got outta class today, this man was showing me all the cats that they had there. oh man, it was really depressing. poor kitty's, i wish i could've taken them all back with me but you know. i especially wanted to save the ones who were going to be put down first, then all the fat ones! i love fat cats; they're so adorable!

and an update on my trying to be social-- i actually have been a bit more social now, it's crazy. i talked to this cute guy i have for class, he wants to buy a hat but thinks that he won't be able to pull it off 'cus he's asian. trust me, he can pull it off. then i danced with a few strangers at lediskoi'm talking more to the 3 people that sit around me in history. man, Mr. mellinger is awesome! i'd love to cross-country with him. he's a really cool hip old man.

eeep! the Coachella 3-day passes have all sold out! so, we're trying to get a 1-day pass for friday, that's when Interpol play!

Cookie, Brenda & i have decided to go to Scottsdale for spring break to visit Vanessa. i really hope this goes down. i want to see which place would be better for me to continue my education. U of phoenix looked pretty good. as did unm, nmsu, northwestern, bu & emerson. hopefully i can keep my GPA up. if i can't pass math with at least a high B, i'm dropping it =\ hopefully it won't come to that.

v-day post show

2007-02-15T16:30:00.000-07:00

Valentine's as usual was uneventful. =\ i didn't get upset or lonely as much until i took nora to walgreens. everyone had somebody. but why is there a mass holiday dedicated to prove to someone how much you love them? shouldn't that be a year-long thing? oh, this guy that sits behind me in gov't surprised me with a valentine card. it was so cute; very unexpected. i thought he didn't like me.

yay! sxsw is almost upon us & my town is going to get all the influx of bands coming through here! yippee! after sxsw is coachella! holy effing moly! can't wait for that either. if only i weren't poor.....[cheap knock-off "it's a wonderful life"]

i still can't wait for INTERPOL to play. man, this is going to be so effing awesome. i really hope it turns out to be an incredible experience!!!!

--anyone want to go on a road trip with me??

birthday roundup

2007-02-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

so last night i had my little shindig veggie bbq at my house and man did it get crazy. well since i don't like parties or eat meat i was already cursing foreshadowing! but it was alright until people i had no clue who they were showed up, good thing they left early. everyone seemed to be having fun & dancing; pretty cool.

cookie backed into Marilyn's car & left a huge dent, funny thing was that it was 5:30 and she wasn't even drinking when it happened. i felt bad 'cus it seemed that pops & his girlfriend weren't having any fun =( (i blame it on the drunk people)

anyways, i still want to have a picnic with close friends at the park & play baseball. but seeing that i have a lack of "real" friends and we're not really in shape for some baseball. eh, it should be fun. so this whole thing trying to get over my paranoia little by little with people seems to be working out, well i don't know, i haven't had any interaction with people that i don't know, so yeah.

i want to travel somewhere...but the questions who, when & where come to mind.

post birthday celebration

2007-02-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

so last night, my birthday was lame again, like every other year. but man i started tripping out bad. big-8 danny came over so we could watch "what the bleep do we know?" but yeah, my paranoia got to me & then i settled down & everything was right with the world. heh. Then i put on Interpol!!! shiite! amazing, they are worth more than 250+ i really want to see them! i've never had a bad trip so this was insane! thanks Interpol for the soothing noise! mmmmh

eep! tomorrow is my birthday picnic shindig type thing & i'm nervous that now one will show, granted i only invited less than 10 people. but still.

i'm starting to enjoy texas a lot more thanks to my political science teacher. he's really interesting. and funny in a monotone-expressionless-ben stein-voice way.

i don't know what the hell i was on tonight but i can't control myself or thoughts. it's kinda liberating and nice. i'm really trying to get over some fears & blah! so hopefully i'll be able to.

i suck at math! i need a tutor! =\

coincidental meeting?

2007-01-31T21:09:00.000-07:00

so today i initiated two small conversations with two people in class. it seems stupid--i know but it's a huge step for me. the small crack on my shell is slowly growing. but you never know, i might have other armor underneath. bleh.

*on another note--the anniversary of the day i was born is tomorrow, it would be pretty gravy if i could just skip it & float around where time hangs out waiting then come back on friday. i'm paranoid that no one will show to my little my birthday picnic soiree on saturday.
english class was depressing tonight; one word--Hemingway.

wow, this sounds like nothing interesting ever happens to me (which is more than likely true) but this guy, which our meeting may have been coincidental. but i tried selling him a book online & then i realized i have for class & he sits right smack in front of me. so on monday he waited after class for me, aww. then today he flaunted the book i need in front of my face. ha ha, good times. anyhow, i waited for him to get outta class after i got outta math & then i got caught up with an old friend. then people decided to flood the hall and cover every crevice. but ima trooper & made my way to him; it was an obstacle to get to him. then i hesitated, rethinking of what i should do. i had no idea why i waited for him?? then i just touched him on the shoulder & we just chatted a bit & now we're sharing books. =)

another thing i noticed about mr. Neal is that he has the most gorgeous eyes i have ever seen. they have a simple shape to it, they're not too big, but the color is fantastic. they're like a shade of purple-grey, i couldn't stop gazing into his eyes.

blehhh, the beginnings of a small crush?? ha

convulsions on the dance floor

2007-01-30T11:38:00.000-07:00

seeing as no one reads my blog, it's nice being able to throw out what i think with out a response, but actually i need feedback but blehh.

this past friday, i went to ledisko here & wanted to cut loose & have fun. but at first it was horrible cause everyone i was with was bummed so it kinda got to me but it wasn't my fault; i wanted everyone to dance & have a good time. but of course as celluloid goes--we ended up having a great time. we were dancing or at least what could pass for mild convulsions on the dance floor made for pretty interesting entertainment.

a friend & i saw this guy who looked lonely & wanted to dance. so i asked if he'd like to dance with us. ha, he turned us down but it didn't matter. it felt good to actually be able to go up to someone random and ask them something or just talk. i wish i could be just a tad bit more outgoing like i used to be.

but that night, my inhibitions were on vacation and i suspect when they come back, there'll be a lot more indifferent to my spontaneous side. now i think i'm able to actually be a bit more social & not so paranoid of the human creature. i feel a slight difference but that could just be the crack. =)

coincidences

2007-01-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

today in class a random thought just popped in my head, as usual, but this one was slightly different. hope's brother popped in my mind; out of nowhere. then i went back to trying to solve my math problems. eh. so, then i was on my merry way to Mellinger's class! yay! he's SO cool!=) and then boom! i see him walk by. there he was, hope's bro, with fast strides, a look of frustration and concentration on his face.

"man, he got really hot. hotter than ever!" according to cookie. if you're planning to debate it--you'll lose. i just can't believe i saw him, i thought he wasn't living here & i see him in my college? pretty lame but i think it's pretty wild.

on a different note-- agh!!!! Coachella's set list is fan-Freaking-tastic! INTERPOL is playing! man, i hope i really get to see them.

anyways. i feel like i'm chasing ghosts again.
i feel closer to my buddy in NY =D [daydreaming]

the invention

2007-01-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

so, as always ima sad little puppy. eh, it happens; has to. so a few days ago things have been hitting me harder than usual. why is it that when something bad happens more little inconvenient things follow and start picking at you? it's like putting salt in your wounds.

this past Saturday i was going through this whole sad taking over my body again. i have so many things running around in my brain that i can't control what thought is linked to what and even worse i don't know what i'm doing half the time. i'm too busy living an incoherent life to actually see the big picture in all it's minuscule parts. ergh! i can't even string one sober thought correctly. =\

of course as always i started connecting things and the consequences that erected from those choices. i'm such a screw-up!!! i can't believe i keep messing up. ehh. i really do feel bad about what happened between alexi and me. i just witnessed, possibly, the only person who would ever love me entirely for me walk away. i just let it happen. he swears it was his fault. but we apologize & apologize and feel sorry for ourselves but nothing will change. we can't regain that type of affection ever again. i'm glad i met him tho; again salting my wounds...

now, i think i have feelings for this boy, which materialized out of nowhere sometime last year in November, going to the hookah bar, i'd feel funny & lightheaded just thinking of him. he's a really great guy, i think i might have dreamed him before ever laying eyes on him. maybe one day we'll be able to catch clouds in a jar & then set them free.

with the love thing always hanging over my head. Nora told me the most fascinating thing--

"Love is an Invention"

....somewhat comforting but hopelessness is inevitable

relation

2007-01-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

so my week has still been pretty usual in an unusual way. or vice-versa.

early on in the morning, i was having dreams inside of dreams again. i didn't know if i was awake or still in a slumber. either way it wasn't rest, but i was refreshed when i actually woke up. around 9 am, my brother was cursing; his ankle was sprained. i took him to a doctor.

he & his girlfriend were conversing. i was lost in one of my malformed moods again and in between worlds. i decided to listen to some Portugal. the Man!! to get pumped up for next week. as i turned it on; a song just ended and then BLAM! the Album Leaf's "over the pond" came out next. everything just seemed to connect . like i couldn't be seen by anyone. i looked over at this lady with her little boy, he was very cute, i realized that he's happy right now, he doesn't have any worries or problems. then my thoughts turned to him in the future. he's not going to ever be that way again. innocent, happy or unknowing of what lies ahead. he's going to have to see how cruel the world really is. my eyes shifted to this older lady in the waiting room. she was lost in a thought. she's had a long life and as it nears it seems horrible but welcoming at the same time. other people in other areas in different rooms showed the spectra of emotions clinging to their faces. there were lonely people, frustrated people, interested, worried, happy etc people.

as this was going on, the songs volume kept rising. then i could see things unfolding; a small glimpse of the future. but instead they are the things that will never occur. it was saddening. past memories were excavated by present-day ones. everything bad & happy that happened. then i focused on a few choice thoughts.

it felt like the sound of my breath was the only thing that kept my feet planted on the ground. everything there...fit. it all was related to one another. as if perfection was reached but still intangible. there was this connection--unexplainable.

my eyes were tearing up. everything was beautifully sad.....

eh, i wish i could explain better. sorry

and the list goes on

2007-01-14T22:47:00.000-07:00

So, i must be the lamest person in the world. last night a couple of my friends & i made some mixed drinks and danced in my room in wacky outfits. i had fun but i seriously need to get a life. i don't know what it is, but put on the rapture & i'll start grooving! ha

another reason to add to the "corina is effing lame!" list is that i keep trying to fix this blog and make it look decent and presentable but something is wrong with the code i put in. either that or i can't do anything right. bleh!! it gets to me, i shouldn't have erased the first. =( as always i need technical help this time for this.

i saw Pan's Labyrinth; super crazy movie. the contrast between how cruel the world is and fantasy is a stones throw away...

well, i know none of that up there didn't make any sense but there are a few new things to get jolly with. i have this new blog, i deleted practically any other account i have, i'm going to try to be more social and well the list goes on.

tbc

repetitive notions

2007-01-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

so...i think i am severely stupid! i can't stop thinking about this boy!! ergh, i know, this usually happens to me especially in these cases.

well, as you know i have a tendency to be attracted to people i can't have or that won't like me. i don't want to be bound to repeat or stay stuck in a perpetual rut of love(usually infatuation)---->heartbreak----->hurt----->repeat

but this is different, or at least i don't know if it is.
there's this boy that i've built up this strong passion for. i can't shake it nor do i want it to escape. i don't know how he feels towards this; at first it seemed like he felt the same way but now i don't know. actually i doubt he feels anything towards me. i really wish that something magical could happen between us but inivetibally reality catches up and it hits hard.

Agh!!i need some help!!! =( advice?

i know i could really like this boy a whole lot!!!! but being in this situation again, i know how the script goes and how this will end. i don't want it to!!

i hope this is different. this ends happy???? and now i don't know how i feel...

...

2007-01-07T19:09:00.000-07:00

so i don't really know what to say. i think i'm going to slump into another depression again. i hate it but it's inevitable. i have all these thoughts roaming around in my head trying each to murder each other over who will make me go crazy. eh, i can't explain myself.