nervous

i'm in the same rut again. i hate feeling like this. right now i'm nervous about finals and my supervisor said she needs to talk to me about something that her boss wants her to tell me. so i'm pretty nervous about that. i'm pretty sure it's something bad; she said it was important. i wish i found out what it was today before i left work now it's gonna really cause me to have some sleep problems.

Also, Cookie had her baby on Dec.1! Cadence is now out and about in the world. i haven't heard from her and am worried. she called while i was work and left a message saying she has just been getting sick off and on since the baby was born. i hope everything goes great with her and her new family.

I also wish the best for Nora, Jeffy & their baby Kami. i haven't been texting with Nora as much; i hope everything is alright too.

I hate that i always think the worse. All these things worry me. i'm so stressed; i wish i wouldn't worry as much- all this is just so much to handle.

gah!


one day....

wild world weed pulling

i found my animal crossing that had been missing for months!! i was so excited when i found it. i enjoy pulling weeds. =) so i've also been searching for people who have the game so we can do a little visiting. =)

i really need another job or hurry up with my asking for a raise. i found the exact same job but they get paid $2.00 more. i was so upset when i saw this, i felt used. but i'm too much of a coward to tell them about what i found and that i want a raise. i don't think my supervisor's boss likes me. =\ but i need to do something by the end of the year. i don't make enough for rent or gas. how pathetic.

on another news, i'm starting to get a taste for peanut, only with chocolate tho. =)

ps. i also need to start making friends. i am lonely.

a feeling

i feel strange.

kinda like feeling that something big will happen soon- changes. i don't know- i don't really like this feeling.

i'm scared.

the chills

so i started school once again after a semester off and man it's strange-- i don't really feel anything towards it. if i pass math i;ll hopefully receive my AA! i'm excited about that. hopefully everything will go well with classes. my civil rights class was dropped =( turns out i didn't need it. (everything happens for a reason...

while on the subject of school, on the first day back i bump in to none other than Kalen (the boy i liked before Michael). how un-effing-predictable. it was the first time i've seen him in a long time. it was kinda strange. but the strangest thing was that little feelings popped up a little. then i kinda started thinking about the feelings that crept up a little. it was just like man i should've never hurt anybody. i wish i hadn't. ..=/ that night i had a dream of him. we were on a couch watching tv and all of a sudden he starts cuddling w/me and i don't stop him. i let him continue and i start to as well. it felt nice. then we started hunting these crazed high school kids who were going around murdering people. we had a deadline and i don't think we ever caught them. i woke up and i started thinking about me & Michael and then Kalen. like why did i dream of him & of that? i think it could be that one night we did cuddle. eh. so i awoke questioning things. i like Michael and he has been changing since we've talked. i've noticed them. but sometimes when i can't stop my thoughts i always think negatively. i hate that i do that. To make things worse i told Michael about the dream-- how stupid. i didn't think it would be a big deal but apparently it is. i was trying to be more open, see i've been trying to change too. i was going through old text's and i experienced so many emotions and i could feel them in my stomach, in my muscles, throughout my body. the chills and the butterflies.

When it's bad i think that we won't last. when it's good i want it to be forever. but i've learned that nothings forever and i don't know if i'm trying to prepare myself for that day or just toughen up again. i wasn't like this w/Alex, but i also only got over him almost a year ago.

But all this long term committed relationship is scaring me a little. sometimes i wish i would've done more crazy things earlier. this just scares me and i don't know what to do or think or how to handle things. i'm scared and nervous and just bleh. i'm only 20 and i'm awlays frustrated or stressed or sad about something-- bullshit. i'm tired and bored.

on another note i don't really care bout the roommates as much but i know i'd rather not live with them. i've come to terms w/being the breathing moving furniture. Michael admitted that we made a mistake moving in together cus we weren't ready. i know it's mostly my fault-- i was just tired of only seeing him 2 days a week. i rushed things & i regret it.

he;s my best friend...

fingers crossed

so i've moved in w/Michael and his roommate and his girlfriend. eh-- not such a good idea now that i think of it- i can't bring myself to feel comfortable here with the roommates or myself. it feels like i'm living here with them and i'm just breathing furniture. i know this living situation will come tumbling down and i will be at the bottom of the rubble. i'm scared that this will be the end of us. i think i'm almost sure of it, my paranoia gets to me and it gets me.

i can feel us losing touch. sometimes i don't think that he really loves me and i want him to. if we were to break up i don't think he'll really care. he always tells me that if i'm not happy to go find someone else. it hurts when he says that and every time he does it i try to lose my attachments to him and talk myself into slowly losing love for him. i don't want to fall out of love with him. he'll end up leaving me... =( i really like cuddling and touching; i'm too affectionate and needy. i have to stop imagining of passionate long kisses. usually happens before or after sex. i want it all the time.

i feel so out of place living here with them. there's hardly any conversation and if there is it's cheap talk. i don't like the computer being downstairs. it's no privacy. i can't do what i usually do on it when it's down here cus the roommates are usually right here. it's hard for me to talk to them. i'm trying hard. i'm just incapable. i wish i could be as social and cool as i used to be. i don't know where that part of me went. also my hard drive isn't in the computer so there's even less for me to do. i hate it. there's no place for me to go. i can't leave cus i have no place to go and i want to be w/ Michael.

i've also been getting super emotional lately these past months. i think it has something to do w/the birth control and all the hormones. stress at work(i have to choose between 2 bosses). going back to school, picking classes and i don't know what i want to do or be. my friends are in different places and i have no one to talk to. crying, drawing- the point? i feel so alone.i hate this shit feeling. hasn't gone anywhere for years. how fucking amazing.

i want to move somewhere else. away from the extreme heat for a bit. i like sleep. =) Michael said if we save up money to move somewhere when the lease is over then somewhere on the coast. also, he was thinking of us taking an alaskan cruise for my 21st birthday next year. =D fingers crossed for both.

EP visit

We went to visit EP this past weekend for Cookies birthday. This was the first time i brought anyone home to meet my family ever. My brother actually liked Michael which is weird because he's very picky and judgmental. i'm glad he like him and Michael liked my bro too-- my family and friends for that matter. =)

the only bad thing that happened was that we got into a fight which i don't remember at all =\ cus i was piss drunk. it was horrible. never again am i drinking that much. i don't want to lose him.

As corny as it sounds but i realized how much i care for him and that i love him immensely. i do. i'm in love with my Michael....

<33

lovers coma

so lately i've been feeling really down; like i'm about to break anytime. i've been crying a lot again and even little things spark this. also i've noticed that i get very emotional around Michael even when we're just speaking over the phone, actually it happens more when we're on the phone together. i think we're falling out of love...
or at least i think he's falling out of love with me. here i am struggling with trying to figure out if i am in love with him; (i know i love him a lot!!) and i always realize this shit out late. i hope this isn't really happening... i want this to be at least semi-permanent if it can't be eternal.

how pathetic. once i've mastered not having any feelings for anyone beyond friendship here he comes along and bam! just when i stopped believing in love, maybe i still don't know what it is. i can feel myself starting to become distant and i'm not sure if i'm using this just as a defense mechanism. Nora left a comment--"love is an invention" she said she had forgotten about that...

i really don't know anything anymore about everything. i've lost passion for things i enjoyed and now i don't even know if i ever had any at all. i am a shell of my former self, a very cracked shell. i'm completely hollow and it scares me. i want to be happy again. i'm living in a coma. someone resuscitate me (Michael).

i'm addicted to feeling loved. does this come with emotional attachments?

i really don't know how to explain all of this. i need someone to talk to, a stranger. someone to feel close to, to build a strong emotional bond to share only to more than likely sever it. just like everything and everyone else. =\

i am a poor invention. make me a meeting with a 45 magnum.

i'm missing him already =(...

fatty cakes

i like this boy =D

i haven't actually had a crush on anyone in a long time so it's kinda scary. to say the least he is a way cool guy, very witty and sarcastic- i dig that. i hope he at least likes me tho. he says he has a crush on me too, which is really nice to like someone who digs you the same way. i'm just paranoid that once he meets me he won't like me and get bored.

we'll see where this friendship/???? goes. hopefully somewhere good. =)

again and again and. again

it's been awhile.

lets jump to me visiting el paso october 5th, it was a lot of fun i hung out with Alex, this boy i really liked. jump to me visiting again for the rapture show on the 26th, the show was amazing! anyway, the naxt day i really wanted to see him so Nora dropped me off at his house around 2-3 am & we were hanging out then all of a sudden we started kissing, it was nice, i got to share a kiss with the boy i liked. but then i think he wanted to do more, well duh! he is a male. so i stopped & apologized for stopping, i don't know. bleh. i was just really paranoid that he wanted to use me, you know? he's a really cool guy and well i'm nothing. it sucks. he's like everything i want in a guy. i really wish we could become good friends. to make matters worse i probably ruined something with this boy Kalen, from class. i think i could've really liked him. but eh, he probably wasn't interested anyway.

starting to feel "alone" again. there's no one i can really talk to except for Pops =) on another note, i feel so detached from people, i'm not really feeling my friends as of late. i'm really glad i have him as a friend. and there's no one that share the same interests as me. it really sucks, i really wish i could make some friends at least people i have common interests with. i guess that's why i kinda wanted a boyfriend, at least i would be less lonely.
I really miss Joaquin! i know i know, i say that a lot, but i just can't get over things. i hate dwelling in the past. if only my present could be spectacular...

i've just been really sad lately. i can't stand it. i'm glad at least i'm not feeling like this ep, that was worse. i don't think i could ever move back there, i mean i like it there & all but it's just not for me, i want to keep going on to places. travel and travel.
i need to reinvent myself...

i'm in desperate need of a friend......

i really really want to disappear.. start over. i really do. i'm needing it